June 25, 2024
This is the first day of documenting my journey of growth in relation to not only raising my girls with love and kindness, but also by self regulating my own emotions and following the ways of Jesus and using God as a foundation.
This morning, my 5y made her own toast and jam. She was happy about that. I made 1.5y buttered toast and she didn’t eat it. Instead she opted for dog food. I did tell my 5y that she needed to work on some work sheets today. She got upset. Whining that she didn’t want to do it. I told her to go downstairs so we could do them together. I would help her. She always asks if I’ll help her (every time) and I always say yes. She stomped down the stairs angry, pouting, and I took a deep breath, didn’t say anything, just looked at her. Then she looked at me and kicked the wall. I spanked her for that. Not proud that I let my emotions get that of me, but I can’t have my 5y acting out her anger the possible destruction of property. She cried and after a few minutes of me letting her cry, she started playing a game of hiding from me. Going in different spots and hiding, though not very good at it haha. When I spoke to her in a normal tone, she responded like nothing just happened. She needed to get her emotions out. Also, she relates to doing “worksheets” as punishment. So I have to get creative and fun with ways of her practicing writing and using her hands.
It’s been hot back here in STL. And with the hot days, not much to do outside. The high today was 99. We’ve been at the house the past 3 days, but today we were inside all day. My 5y does not do well being inside all day. She gets very emotional towards the end of the night. We spent the day chilling, playing with toys, watching tv, just being present and making sure that the girls were alright with being inside. Well, yeah sometimes I think 5y just needs to cry, or go to a playground and just run around.
5y didn’t like the dinner I made so I told her she could have a popsicle but had to leave the last one for 1.5y. She was upset about that. “I wish I had another popsicle” then she started playing with 1.5y and 1.5y would scream in glee. No big deal except there were family members upstairs sleeping. Kevin and I tell 5y to wait until we get downstairs to play with 1.5y so she’ll stop screaming. Nope. She kept doing it. I got stern and told her to go downstairs. She went with her head hanging low. We go down and I try playing with her for a bit but then 1.5y comes along wanting to play and 5y doesn’t want her to and then whining happens and I say it’s time to get ready for bed. She starts stomping and crying and goes in the bathroom. I knock on the door and ask her if she wants me to brush teeth with her. She says yes, just exhausted from emotion. She slumps to the ground and when 1.5y comes in she kicks her in the chest and pushes her out. Thankfully 1.5y didn’t seem hurt. I was appalled. So I got stern again and told her she needed to brush her teeth. Put toothpaste on 1.5y and mine and 5y did her own then rinsed it off and didn’t brush her teeth. Just playing around. I’m done brushing my teeth and then 5y starts crying telling me she wanted to brush teeth at the same time. How am I keeping my patience? I told her I was done and that I would stay in the bathroom with her but I wasn’t brushing my teeth again. She cried and cried and Kevin would come in and say something to her because she’s just crying, sobbing. Then when she stopped, 1.5y started crying. She wants the boob and I’m just over breastfeeding. I don’t mind, but she always wants the boob. Anywho, then 5y gets baby bear (her beloved toy) wet in the sink by accident and cried about that and I told her to wrap baby bear up in a towel and she can give her a bath tomorrow. She didn’t stop crying until I started reading a bedtime book and then we laid down afterwards.
But the middle of the day was good. She watched magic school bus and I kept farting and it smelled but it made her laugh with how bad it smelled and we sat together and spent time together. She painted a picture of me and Kevin with hearts showing love and played with 1.5y for a bit.
These days spent indoors are the toughest on 5y. She has no outlet for her emotions or energy. And by the end of the day, I’m tired and she’s tired except she’s sad and I’m cranky. I’ve been praying that God helps me with my patience and that I’m able to follow the ways of Jesus, by guiding my thoughts and actions with love and kindness. I’ve also been taking a parenting course (Peaceful Parent Happy Kids) for the past 9 weeks and I started out strong, and fell off on the 3rd week and haven’t really recovered since. It’s so easy to fall into old patterns. But I think I need to start over again. Put in the effort every day. I will say it is easier when I’m not distracted by my phone and am able to be present. It is also crucial for me to rise before my girls and get into the word of God as well as read up on my parenting books as a way to get my mindset right for the day.
**After reviewing this in January 2026, I will note that at the time, we were living with my mother-in-law and did not have a vehicle as we just moved back to St. Louis 7 months prior with the only belongings of what could fit in a minivan. I noticed how I got mad at 5y for her showing her emotions by kicking the wall and I led by example by doing the same thing (acting out of my anger/frustration). I definitely did not want to post this but I’m being authentic and that comes with all the good, bad, and ugly.
